Why polyamory doesn’t work
Conn Carroll
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The New York Times is usually a far more prolific promoter of polyamory than the New Yorker, but this week’s book section included an essay by Jennifer Wilson lamenting that the growing movement was being co-opted by the rich.
Using Molly Roden Winter’s memoir More as a springboard, Wilson laments that the case for polyamory made by Winter “represents a very specific, arguably very American version of polyamory — the extension of abundance culture to all corners of the bedroom, but nowhere beyond.”
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Wilson worries that “as ethical non-monogamy becomes the stuff of Park Slope marriages and luxury perfume ads, it’s worth remembering that revolutions don’t fail; they get co-opted — often by people who can afford co-ops.”
“A good love affair,” Wilson writes, “feels like it could change the world. But changing the world takes more than spreading the love; you have to spread the wealth, too.”
The only problem with polyamory, according to Wilson, is that we haven’t had enough wealth distribution to sustain it. If only Bernie Sanders and the Democrats could deliver a living wage for everyone, then maybe free love would finally win.
But income inequality isn’t what is standing between the Jennifer Wilsons of the world and polyutopia. Human nature is.
Winter, Wilson writes, “echoes the common refrain expressed by proponents of polyamory that the lifestyle represents an abundance-oriented mind-set, whereas monogamy is a symptom of scarcity culture.”
“Because love is vast,” Wilson quotes Winter. “Abundant. Infinite, in fact. And the secret is this: love begets love. The more you love, the more love you have to give.”
But this just isn’t true. Unless you are God, love is not infinite. Genuine love takes patience and time. And each of us only has a finite amount of time every day. Twenty-four hours, to be exact. Every second you spend loving one specific person, including yourself (sleep is self-love), is a minute you can’t love a different person.
Jealousy is not an emotion invented by men in the 1950s or 1800s to control women. Both men and women are jealous creatures, especially about romantic partners, and we have been since the beginning of recorded history.
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We are jealous of our spouses’ time and rightly so.
This is why every polyamorous community throughout history, from Brook Farm to Oneida, has failed. Polyamory just doesn’t work.