One of the challenges in Army basic training was staying awake through tedious lectures. Some of these classes were important, teaching key aspects of Army culture. Briefings about sex and avoiding unwanted pregnancies or about the nature of a checking account and how to manage money seemed out of place. I was 21 years old, a legal adult halfway through a university degree. These personal briefings seemed unnecessary.
But anyone who has spent any time in the military knows those classes are critical. They’re needed because, and I say this despite my profound respect for all who have served, there are some shockingly dumb people in every branch of the military.
I recently spoke to an old friend, retired Master Sgt. Renae Reed, with whom I grew up in Iowa. She finished high school early, and she attended our graduation in Army dress greens. I was in awe of her courage and determination as her name was called to walk, “Pvt. Renae Reed.”
In 2006, after a tour in Iraq, Reed was a platoon sergeant stationed at Fort Hood, Texas. Once, she was tasked with picking up a new, straight-from-basic soldier. Barns was a specialist instead of a private because he had a college degree before basic. “Right away,” Reed told me, “I thought, ‘This kid is going to f***ing suck. You can just tell he’s beeeuuhh … He had a chip on his shoulder.’” (Reed has a colorful vocabulary, like many soldiers, as you’ll see by this column.)
Back at the unit, Barns secured his unit insignia to his beret by poking the sharp pin-posts through the fabric. He then attempted to bend the posts flat, using an open knife. A moment later, he cut his hand. Blood went everywhere. Reed showed the sliced soldier proper Army compassion: “That was pretty f***ing stupid! The hospital and stitches on day one!”
Later, Barns’s squad leader informed Reed that the specialist was hurt because she hadn’t shown compassion. “What? He wants a f***ing hug? I’m not his momma!” Some situations are so dumb that the Army hasn’t thought of a warning briefing for them.
But that wasn’t the end of Reed’s troubles. One day, she released her troops to lunch, only to find Pvt. Watson sitting sadly in the office. Reed told him to go eat.
“Well, sergeant,” Watson said, “I don’t have any money for food.”
Reed frowned. “We just got paid!”
The private looked down. “I bought this stereo system for my Honda Civic.”
Not only had he spent all his money on a sound system for his junky car, but he’d also borrowed over $1,000 to help pay for it all.
“That was pretty f***ing stupid!” Reed shouted. “Here’s a bag of f***ing tortilla chips!” They had another two weeks until payday.
The captain in command of the unit wanted Reed to review Watson’s bank statements and ATM receipts. “The f*** I am! The kid is 19. His finances are not my f***ing problem!”
But, faithful reader, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that good old Master Sgt. Reed was a heartless tyrant. She’s one of the best people I’ve ever known, and by Army standards, her attitude was perfectly pleasant. To deal with the case of the starving private, Reed slammed a heavy box of MRE field rations down in front of Watson. “Here you go, Bud.” He lived on those things for two weeks.
But in the end, idiotic financial choices were the least of Watson’s problems. He couldn’t handle basic Army corrections, taking it all too personally. He was ordered to wear his helmet when dropped for punishment pushups in order to protect him from his tendency to smack his head on the floor. Eventually, he was drummed out of the Army.
“Maybe the Army needs more classes to prevent stupidity,” I told Reed.
“But Joe doesn’t listen,” she replied. In Reed’s excellent 20-year Army career, she encountered plenty of examples to prove that right.
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Trent Reedy, the author of several books, including Enduring Freedom, served as a combat engineer in the Iowa National Guard from 1999 to 2005, including a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
*Some names and call signs in this story may have been changed due to operational security or privacy concerns.