No grandchildren!
Madeline Fry Schultz
In “The One with Ross’s Wedding, Part 2,” a 1998 episode of the sitcom Friends, Ross makes a threat to his parents that most adults, once heckled enough, have probably considered. When Ross’s and his fiancee’s parents are squabbling at the wedding, he pulls out this conversation-ender: “No grandchildren!”
Fast forward 25 years, and to today’s parents, that threat wouldn’t mean much. Pew Research Center recently polled parents on their priorities for their children, and the findings are staggering. A whopping 98% of parents are extremely to somewhat concerned that their children be financially independent, and the same percentage feel that way about their children having jobs or careers they enjoy.
So far, so good. But when parents are asked about the potential for their children to get married and have children of their own, these numbers tumble. Only 53% say it’s extremely to somewhat important to them that their children get married, and about the same number, 54%, place emphasis on their children producing children.
Allen Sabey, a therapist and professor at Northwestern University’s Family Institute, told Time that the findings reveal a new priority for people: independence.
“Marriage and children are no longer viewed as crucial for life satisfaction and fulfillment,” Sabey said. “I think American society is continuing to move towards fulfillment and success through independence. Having financial independence and an enjoyable career are less dependent on others and thus more in one’s own control towards ‘succeeding’ as adults.”
An overemphasis on independence isn’t the only thing threatening the nuclear family, though. The survey’s findings were also quite different between men and women: While nearly a third of mothers said parenting was harder than they expected, just one-fifth of men said the same thing. Mothers are also more likely to say parenting is tiring and stressful. These gender differences point to an opportunity for stronger social safety nets, both from the government and civil society, to support motherhood and family.
But tired and stressed or not, mothers and fathers who don’t encourage their children to follow in their footsteps know that they’ll be missing out on something spectacular: “While a relatively small share of parents place a high level of importance on their own children having children one day, the vast majority — including among mothers and fathers and across income and racial and ethnic groups — describe being a parent as the most (30%) or one of the most (57%) important aspects to who they are as a person.”
Perhaps today’s parents are afraid of falling into the cliche of pestering their children for grandchildren. If that episode of Friends were remade today, Ross would’ve said, “No financial stability!” But that just doesn’t have the same ring to it.