Fatherhood means giving up a lot. But it means gaining more
Matt Lamb
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Becoming a father is difficult, and a recent Twitter thread by writer and social scientist Justin Murphy raises some important points. As the father of a one-year-old and with another on the way, I have some consoling thoughts to share with Murphy and others in a similar situation.
“The walls really do close in,” Murphy wrote last week. “The hardest part of fatherhood is all the little things that go away, or become very hard to contrive,” he added in a second tweet.
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Murphy described a loss of time to hang out with friends and partake in activities he used to enjoy.
It is true that the new responsibility of fatherhood takes time away from activities we used to enjoy. There is no longer the liberty to hang out on a whim with friends after work because mom needs a break: there are chores to be done, and babies need attention.
“The breadwinning drive,” which Murphy mentions as a source of anxiety, is real, particularly for those of us who are the sole income earners.
On the other hand, there are the sweet joys of a child’s squeal as she is chased around by parents. There is the warming of the heart as your child learns to put his hands together to pray or clap for himself after figuring out a new toy.
The loss of liberty to live our life in the moment may seem like a loss, but it is a gain, forcing us to think more deliberately about the future, whether that is the next week, year, or 10 years.
Fathers gain from the responsibility to look ahead and ensure that the family is on solid financial footing, the home remains safe for the wife and children, and his future career goals line up with what is best for the household. If being a manager or executive at a job is considered an honor, then enjoy the honors of being the executive of the family.
When I was single, I could sit outside all day on a Saturday and read a book, go for a long run, or watch a movie. Now that I am married with children, I suppose I could structure the day in such a way to put all the burdens on my wife so I could do these things, but that would be irresponsible. The gain from this situation is a decrease in selfishness and a focus on the needs of others.
The change in mindset, I hope, extends to other areas of life, including in the workplace and my attitude toward friends and family. Fatherhood helps us see the needs of others before our own.
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Fathers sacrifice their free time to work a second job to provide for the family. They give up some hobbies to make time to play with children or to do chores around the home. But the gains are the laughter of children, the joys of watching them grow up, and, ideally, having progeny surround us on our deathbeds.
The loss men may feel as new fathers is a serious issue worth discussing and should not be dismissed out of hand. But fathers, keep your eyes on the benefits yet to be realized, particularly during those diaper changes or when junior won’t stop screaming. The joys will outweigh the pain.
Matt Lamb is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. He is an associate editor for the College Fix and has previously worked for Students for Life of America and Turning Point USA.