It is not a stretch to say that certain circles of the dating world have become cesspools of narcissists, hedonists, and kids who weren’t spanked enough by their parents. Because of this, many disillusioned daters are becoming so-called “heteropessimists.”
In an article in the Atlantic, titled “The great romance slump,” writer Faith Hill describes the causes behind the heteropessimist mindset.
After recounting a number of dating mishaps, Hill says, “I don’t mean to suggest that people need romance to be fulfilled. In truth, I don’t believe that partnership is inherently better than singlehood.”
Hill continues, “As a society, we’ve been moving toward this point for decades: where marriage is not a prerequisite for social and financial survival, where we have other sources of purpose and community, where there are many different ways to live a good life.”
Work, a social life, financial independence, and other ways “to live a good life” more than make up for what a person might gain from a spouse, according to Hill.
THE AMERICAN DREAM LIVES IN SUBURBIA
So many of our young people are falling back on the anti-marriage sentiment expressed by Hill. Some call this sentiment heteropessimism, in which one is perpetually dissatisfied with the state of the dating world.
Hill’s search to find the source of dissatisfaction that she feels when jumping into the world of dating, she glides right over one of the key issues: comparison.
It’s very difficult to compare marriage and singlehood objectively without having been married. For those raised in traditional households, it’s easier to view marriage favorably, but, as the Romantic poet John Keats says, “Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced.”
If objectively compared, the happiness of a relationship almost always outweighs the benefits of a productive career, a thriving social life, or financial independence. And this is backed up by the data. According to 2023 Gallup data, 61% of married adults under 50 report “thriving,” while only 45% of those who never married report the same.
Hill makes the mistake of comparing something she has to something she doesn’t. Her fallback, like many who are disaffected with unserious daters, is to take issue with the entire system and fall into heteropessimism.
However, this strange modern phenomenon of heteropessimists doesn’t just come from people who fail to compare marriage with singlehood rightly. The sentiment also arises in people who are in love with being in love.
On the opposite end of the spectrum from people claiming to be satisfied with singlehood, some young people are all in on dating. They have grown up on apps such as Instagram and TikTok, where so many young couples post idealized snapshots of their seemingly perfect lives.
This group follows Instagram accounts that post “couple goals” pictures and videos with no context other than how happy they are with each other. They are impressed by their favorite picture-perfect couple who smile while playing around with each other in a way only couples can. It’s this group that is just as much at risk of becoming heteropessimists as those who believe singlehood is better than marriage.
A study by a group of Ghanaian researchers published in October 2025 found that, among social media users, “It is not just who the individuals compare themselves to, but how often and how deeply they engage in comparison that shapes mental well-being.”
In other words, people who spend lots of time on social media can suffer from anxiety, depression, and other adverse mental health conditions due to repeated “exposure to idealized content.”
AI ASSISTANTS STOP ASSISTING WHEN THEY START CONTROLLING
Both groups of people — those who disdain marriage because relationships are difficult, and those who idealize marriage because of what they see online — fail to treat relationships with a sense of realism.
To approach relationships correctly in modern times, our young generations must learn a good sense of comparison. Comparing oneself to a nonexistent ideal is not healthy for someone hoping to build a strong relationship. Similarly, avoiding comparing the actual upsides of marriage to the reality of singlehood tends to make people hopeless about starting relationships. There has to be a golden mean where relationship hopefuls keep an ideal in mind but don’t stress about living up to something unattainable. That’s the easiest path to satisfaction in a healthy relationship.