Military humor is often crude and sometimes too terrible to explain in detail in the hallowed pages of this fine, family-friendly magazine. Nevertheless, gross humor that would disturb many civilians is an important part of the military. So, in the spirit of conveying to you, faithful reader, a better sense of the military life, the time has come to declassify Operation Robot Head.
Back in 2021, I told you about my old war buddy, Specialist Winthrop. He was a solid soldier with an unfortunate fixation on science fiction space marines who, because he had trouble understanding the Army sport of soldier teasing, made himself a favorite target for torment.
It all started when Winthrop came to my three-man barracks room, asking my pal PFC Reegan to do a special Photoshop job for him. In 2004, digital cameras were rather new, and not as many people had access to and knowledge of Photoshop. But the “Great Reegando” had figured out basic photo manipulation.
Winthrop held up a paperback novel with a cover illustration of a ridiculous, ax-wielding, laser-toting, armored figure with skulls on its knees.
“Reegan, I heard you can do Photoshop. Could you make this image, except it’s my head on this badass space marine?” Winthrop asked.
“Sure, Throp,” Reegan said.
“You’re really going to make that picture for him?” I asked Reegan after Winthrop left.
Reegan explained he had a better idea. Instead of using Photoshop to put Winthrop’s head on the robot, he would put Winthrop’s head on a man engaged in a sex act, which was, in those days, prohibited by the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Then he’d shrink the robot down and put it under the man’s arm like a teddy bear.
Brilliant!
“Yuck!” Reegan wrinkled his nose in disgust as he bent more UCMJ regs by searching online for the right pornographic picture. Our internet at our remote Afghanistan outpost was very slow, and each image took forever to load, unveiling itself bit by bit like some horrific peep show. At least Reegan was using his own laptop, not a government computer, for which the trouble could have been even worse.
After some quick Photoshop work, the first phase of Operation Robot Head was complete. Reegan printed the photo, and we went to Winthrop’s room.
“What the f*** is this!” Winthrop shouted when he saw Reegan’s work.
“What?” Reegan said. “I thought you said you wanted your head put on some dude doing … that … while holding a robot.”
“No! I wanted my head put on the space marine!” Winthrop shouted.
“Well, it’s not my fault,” Reegan said. “You need to be more clear.”
Winthrop crumpled the paper and unleashed an expletive-filled tirade.
“That’s OK, Throp,” I said. “He has the photo saved, and we sent the image to the Family Support Group back home.”
FSG is the association of wives, mothers, and other family members of deployed soldiers. Sending the horrible image to the FSG would have brought us criminal charges, physical beatings by enraged soldiers, or both. Of course, we hadn’t sent the image anywhere.
But Winthrop was in a rage and hadn’t thought it through.
“I’m gonna f***ing punch you guys!” Winthrop yelled.
“Ooooh! Threats of physical violence!” I said. Reegan and I laughed to tears.
Winthrop failed to realize that bored soldiers tease one another for fun, and the more a soldier reveals that the teasing bothers him, the worse it will be. Had Winthrop just laughed at the terrible photo and called us sickos, the game would have been over, and we would have been robbed of its fun. But it would be several months until, at the end of the deployment, Winthrop finally learned that lesson. Until then, there were many more opportunities to mess with him. But none were quite as funny as the infamous Operation Robot Head.
Trent Reedy, author of several books, including Enduring Freedom, served as a combat engineer in the Iowa National Guard from 1999 to 2005, including a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
*Some names and call signs in this story may have been changed due to operational security or privacy concerns.